Home : Dishes – Keith James – Medium

My wife and I split chores in the household. We don’t share. We are very clear who does what because when you make a clear-cut line it is easier to stand on either side and criticize each other.

I do the dishes in my household. I’m bad at it. I’m not built to do dishes. And this is not a gender thing. I don’t like touching wet food. I don’t like humidity. I don’t like the sensation of knowing I can never complete the task I’ve been assigned. There will always be dishes.

I like giving instructions. I missed my calling of writing instruction manuals. I swear I could spitball a four-page manual of how to land on the Moon.

This is my instruction manual of how to handle dishes in your home.

[1] Turn the sink water on. It should be hot. Too hot. Turn on the sink and walk away for two minutes. Come back. Touch the water. Oh, you burnt yourself? Shhh. You deserve this.

[2] Where is your phone? Get your phone. Turn a podcast on. It’s important to have multiple sounds compete for the attention of your ears. Go find a uncharged bluetooth speaker and attempt to turn it on. It’s not turning on? You should take that personally.

[3] Pull a sponge out from the sink drain. Your relationship with that sponge is deeper than any relationship you have with an extended family member.

[4] You either have no dishwashing soap or a comical amount. Either way, put too much on your sponge and find your first item to clean.

[5] What did you pick up? Is it heavy? Is it a weird shape? Is it not the easiest thing to clean? If it is, put it down. That item is bad and should have to wait. That item hurt you. You are a victim.

[6] Put the easy item under the water and slap it with the sponge. If you were a background extra, would it look like you were washing dishes? Pretty close? Great. That item is done.

[7] Open your dishwasher. If you do not have a dishwasher, you should be reading a college textbook and not this.

[8] That item goes in the dishwasher wherever you want it to go. A dishwasher is a magic box. You are a wizard. Test your greatness.

[9] Repeat 4–8 until your dishwasher appears that it will collapse from the weight of all the items.

[10] Find a tablet or something that looks like it is in control of dishes. Throw it in the dishwasher.

[11] Close the door. Most dishwashers make you close the door before you start a load but one might not and that would be so wacky.

[12] Press a button that makes the dishwasher start to shake.

[13] Your job is now done for however long you want it to be done. Find a person with a dependency on having the dishes you cleaned and tell them you are their hero. You will know you were successful when their dependency on the dishes transfers over to you.

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